44

February 16, 2004

Sigh… I did it again. I fooled myself into thinking someone liked me. Im tired of this. I want someone to like ME and to tell me they like me. Not what I always do. I feel like a homeless kid, going door to door, getting it slammed in my face after i hold it open to be intrigued by the interior, want to go in and explore and sit in comfort and warmth… then it get slammed in my face and i walk balk into the frigid air… and when someone actually lets me in i get tired of it too fast for my own good and I leave, the person who let me have what I wanted being hurt in my wake. I do it to myself every single time.

I hate me sometimes…

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Wow, my new icons are fun! If not kinda depressing at times. Theyre just my old ones with text put on them. Ya, today was rather uneventful. There was a bad car crash near my school this morning that made a lot of ppl like 3 periods late, and a 6-month old child died… Its really scary to think that at any time out in that big world where everyones going 80 in the slow lane of life, you could be next… Something that all the pain and death at school these last 2 years has taught me… Ug…

I have a headache. And hte odd tasting dough from the shortbread cookies I attempted to make, the salty and icky taste of which inspired this quote when I was chattin with Anthony:

“love is like your first batch of cookies, the first bite always tastes sweet, but theres often an overdose of salt waiting for you at the end”

More depressingness. I was gonna put a happy icon with this one but I think Ill make it one of my more depressed ones. Well, thats about it. Aaron and Teena and I seem to be on much better terms now, It was really nice and relieving to be at least a little back from where we used to be, if not where we were.

Yup. Thats about it. I swear this time.

Actually, its not. Lol. I had a really odd dream last night about hunting killer mosquito eaters and hot bisexual car washers/American Idol finalists/TV Reporters. Ya, Its wierd. I think my mind is trying to tell me SOMETHING, Ive been really out of touch with my dreams lately, I think I’m gonna start my dream journal again so maybe I can catch some of what my mind has been telling me. Ive had the most vivid and remembered dreams these last few days. Like every night I have a dream that I remember. Like my mom saying that because i am gay AND fat and lazy, I needed to go move into the Lambda center which was apparently a church. Ya. I dunno either lol. Anyway, Im drained. This is ACTUALLY it.

Wow I’m really taking this idea of updating more often and just beating the CRAP outta it! lol I really don’t have much to update for, just a combination of being grounded at home and not having much else to do makes sitting here typing my sad life out into the internet seem fun.

I listened to another Vitamin C song in the car on the way to my neighbor’s house (only time I’ll get outta the house this weekend prbly, to take care of 2 over-obnoxious dogs). I forget what it was called, I don’t pay attention to these things, but I think the chorus went something like “I ain’t got nobody! That I can depend on! Just me myself and I!” and then some guy in the background made funny noises saying “Please baby! Please baby!” I dunno… I know I have a lot of ppl around who are there for me but it all just seems so pointless sometimes. Wow that sounded suicidal! lol Don’t worry ppl, Im not that bad! I’m just soooooooo sick and tired of ppl being so over-dramatic at school and such, It’s a waste of everyone’s time. Focus on enjoying these years and not on creating animosity between friends. It really can make someone’s life shitty. I don’t even know why I’m letting it get to me so bad. Ofe of these people has only been an awesome friend since 3rd grade (there have been troubled times, and growing apart some, but Ive never stopped counting you as one of my best friends. Now I don’t know anymore), but even though I KNOW she has a problem with me, she won’t admit it. Ive talked to a few people and they all have confirmed it. She’s lied about it to my face once, to my computer screen the other time. And the other person… well he’s never really liked me, or it never really seemed like it. I knew him in elementary school and he didnt like me there, and even though we counted each other best friends, we’ve never really been very close. So on one count I can see why I’m sad for the loss of 2 good friends. It seems like 8th grade and 2nd semester of last year all over again. I hate losing friends, and it seems to happen to me a lot. This summer boosted me up really far, I’ve had more self-confidence than I ever had in my entire life, even with family trouble. The first semester of this year, tho bad academically, was probably the best one I’ve ever had. And these last two weeks have somehow robbed me of a lot of my confidence and made me depressed like i used to be. And I hate it. But I cant escape it.

I cant even get out of the house.

*~* Note: My longest journal entry EVER. *~*

Work… Ehh

January 17, 2004

Work really wasnt too bad tonight. More stupidness from the resident Homophobes, but one of the waitresses made me feel really nice. We were setting a table and she was all “Are the other bussers giving you a hard time about gayness?” and I tried to play it off as nothing cuz i really dont wanna cause a conflict over it. Well she said “Well next time I hear them Ill slap em around for ya, k?” Shes so awesome. Old family friend too, shes really nice.

And I didnt have to touch much crab! I was picking up a plate and a pincer like brushed against my hand, I got all ewwy and shuddery. Meh.

And I ate chicken for dinner! Yum!

Im listening to “Graduation” by Vitamin C… all these memories of past years and friends that either dont talk to me nemore or I just havent seen in a long time are flashin thru my mind… Im actually crying because of it, and I hardly every cry. Ugh.