Shocker of the Century

June 17, 2005

Wow! What big fucking suprise! Luke is now single again. A whole… what… 3 weeks? Damn. I’m a keeper.

So I go over to Edward’s tonight to hang out with him and Bess. His mom makes us dinner. We chill. We watch TV in his room for the last like 2 hours of the night and Bess and I are on the bed, playing around and making each other laugh while Edward is on the computer the whole time. He was helping a friend break up with his girlfriend (ironic, no?). So I felt kinda neglected, however dumb and selfish that may be. Ao at like 11:30, Bess is asleep and Edward is still on the computer so I say I’m leaving and hug Bess goodbye and Edward walks me out to my car. He hugs me, says I love you, looks at me in the eyes, tells me I’m wonderful, then hugs me and says that he doesn’t think that this will work. He has personal things he needs to work out that he needs to get out of the way. But still wants to be friends. Then kisses me and off we go. I get into my car and, kinda stunned, sit there for a few minutes thinking about what just happened, then I go home.

So a few things are bothering me now.

– I feel left out that I couldn’t be told of what problems these were that made him break up with me, but rather bitter about this so I also don’t want to know however much of an ass that makes me sound like.

– I feel really sad. I haven’t cried but then again, I generally don’t.

– I feel really stupid to have let this happen to me again. This seems to be a trend. I fall for someone and they let me fall by and don’t catch me.

– I feel irrationally angry. But thats just me.

– I feel… tired… of all this…

Im gonna go write. I feel like shit.



September 4, 2004

Yea, I dunno.

I feel like shit. Which scares me because I have no idea why, at least not why I feel bad just right now.

I was going to go on a date today, but nooo i had to stay home and be here with mi madre all day when ive been saying for a week how i was gonna go do something today, and no one objected. Sam was here, and I figured he was going to be here with mom, but he just kinda left on a motorcycle ride. I had like 2 hours to myself today, and I went and hung out with Adam at It’s a Grind and then we went to Folsom and Sunrise so he could pay some bills.

This bag of Starburst makes me mad. Its mostly orange and yellow.

Like most everyone else, not EVERYONE but a lot, Im pissed off at the male species. I want a boyfriend. Really badly. I want someone who I can go see and cuddle with. And share with.

My friend situation is as wierd as ever. I have a lot of friends, and some awesome ones are mixed in, but I dont have a best friend. I havent since Nikki and I grew apart. I think I’m getting used to it, but the fact that I dont have a best friend kinda saddens me. Most people know who theyre walking with at Graduation, I don’t even know where to start. I dont have anyone to call when something super exciting happens, and no one that calls my parents “mom and dad” too. I want that.

Another fuckin orange starburst.

And a yellow. Suprise suprise.

Oh well. I’m gonna go read or something.


August 22, 2004

Dunno. I’m in a wierd mood. I feel… mellow, yet angry, yet sad. Im listening to “The Rasmus” and feeling blah.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Woke up at like 11 and had to scramble to get ready to go hang out with Adam. We were gonna see a movie but I got there 10 mins late and since his brother was having a party he left after a lil bit. I understand. Was disappointed, but I understand. …

Hung out with Paul after that until like midnight, and randomly ran into a few ppl i was suprised by. One was this guy Alan what i almost dated way back like a year and a half ago. So he and I are talking again, which is pretty cool i suppose. And then Paul and I ran into Syd and Beeber and Syd’s ex (Jeff? dont remember) in the True Love, so we sat and talked until like 11:30 and I had to run Paul home and then go home.

I was online til like 2 am, and then i decided to go watch Moulin Rouge and woke up to the ending credits at like 5 lol . Woot.

Wierd mood still in full swing. Maybe i need to go on another date with myself. That was really fun last time.

Im such a loser.


August 16, 2004

Randomly feel like crap.

I think too much….

I just got home from seeing a Cinderella Story with D. I want my prince charming to come back. Sigh.

Scanned a bunch of pics Katie gave me from TJ’s going away party, some hilarious ones, ill post em as soon as i get them uploaded.

Not much else.

Your arms are the morphine that kills the pain of reality…

God. Emo is seeping out of everything i type lately. I miss TJ. Im gonna get the pics of he and I off of my camera sometime. I’ll put a few up here if I feel like it. I feel really crappy tonight. I worked. Afterward i called ever person on my cell phone address book and no one could go see “A Cinderella Story” with me. So i stayed home. I went to Hollywood Video and dropped off “Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion” and “Notorious C.H.O.” and hung out with Adam and Vicky in front of It’s a Grind for a while, bought water to change my fish’s water at safeway, came home, changed my fish’s water, and here i am now.

My life is boring. I kinda want school to start. Even the drama would be a nice refresher. Oh well.

I want TJ to be here. I want to be held again. No one holds me except him. I guess im not close enough to anyone else to feel comfterble cuddling. Except D. I can cuddle with her. Shes the only one that seems to want to cuddle.

Im tired.

Good night.

Missing him…

July 22, 2004

I miss him.

He needs to come back to me….


March 18, 2004

I dunno. I really don’t feel like updating this.

Im lonely. Songs make me really depressed. I didn’t share in peer counseling, ppl talked a long time about not too much and there was like 2 minutes when it got to me so i passed it on. Meh. Talkign about things in that class doesn’t seem to help, no one ever really seems to listen to me when im talking. I get the occasional question, but most everyone sits and stares blankly until i say something funny.

Tired. Bed.

P.S. I lost 2 lbs this week from my new eating habits and exercise.



February 16, 2004

Sigh… I did it again. I fooled myself into thinking someone liked me. Im tired of this. I want someone to like ME and to tell me they like me. Not what I always do. I feel like a homeless kid, going door to door, getting it slammed in my face after i hold it open to be intrigued by the interior, want to go in and explore and sit in comfort and warmth… then it get slammed in my face and i walk balk into the frigid air… and when someone actually lets me in i get tired of it too fast for my own good and I leave, the person who let me have what I wanted being hurt in my wake. I do it to myself every single time.

I hate me sometimes…


February 13, 2004

Decision were made, actions taken, regrets felt.

Romance, none. Valentines day, dumb. Emotions, numb.

I didnt mean for that to be poetic in any way, im just lazy and dont want to type everything out.